2017 Trophy Naming Tournament - Final Results
Introduction It’s here! The moment you’ve all been waiting for...maybe...probably not...but maybe! The Winner of the 2017 Trophy Naming Tournament is… … … … … … … … … … … … … NOT The Brophy! It’s Super Bowl Sunday but the game doesn’t start for a couple more hours. I’m feeling good. My hairline has not begun to recede just yet. My personal trainer told me on Thursday that if I didn’t find a way to relieve the tension in my neck I was going to give myself a stroke, but that’s neither here nor there. This time tomorrow I will either be as tension-free as ever or I will be in my grave. But for right now, we have the time. You’re all just pacing about waiting for kickoff anyway! Let’s take a look at the results of the latest vote. Should We Do This Again? Unanimously voted yes. Finally we all agree on something. The next tournament will be to name the championship game. We’ll get to that later on this year. 2017 League Dues 7 votes for $20 1 vote for $25 1 vote for $30 And so it is law: League dues will raise $5 from $15 to $20. Money bags over here voting for $30: maybe try back to back winning seasons first. You know who you are. League Scoring Suggestions Quickly addressing each issue: * Defensive scores are high: My effort to reduce the high scoring QBs and DEF over the years has been a true struggle for two reasons. 1.) An anarchic part of me likes that these are high valued positions since it adds a different twist on what other league scoring systems value. That, and there are a wealth of defenses and QBs to choose from, making both streaming or drafting a franchise QB/DEF viable options. And 2.) On a much more big picture note, I’m afraid to change scoring too much because I want us all to be able to try breaking single-season scoring records without scoring inflation/deflation. I know I’m probably the only one who cares about that. That being said, I’ll take a look at defenses again. * Yes: Great advice here. I will take this one to heart. * Add a defensive player: It’s almost like whoever wrote this answer doesn’t know how to pay attention. *checks to see who wrote it. Sees it’s Pat* Yup, that makes sense. * Make it so non-playoff teams cannot add players: 100% agree. I thought that this had been implemented this year and somehow it was not. In 2017 if you are in the consolation tournament your team roster will LOCK at the conclusion of the regular season. * lol...I have no suggestions: Didn’t have an answer to the bonus round either, DID YA BURNS? * More Points for Girls: Not sure who wrote this one but maybe they can elaborate. Why would we change the scoring to give Chantel and Chris more points? Should the Schedule Be Customized? This bill has been passed with an 8-1 “yes” vote. To the one voter who rejected this, let me just reiterate: The teams we face twice are still randomized. I only order the matchups to make for more exciting scheduling both to begin the season and down the stretch as we are jockeying for playoff position. And I do this before the draft. I’m glad most of us found this to be a fun addition and we’ll be trying it again. Super Bowl Squares Everyone has picked their squares. Let's have a look at the board: Personally, I hate my squares. I had last pick, which is only fair because I had the equivalent of a gentle breeze for a regular season schedule, and you guys screwed me! I'm clumped in the weirdest way. I would have gone with Zach or Jared's tactic. But ultimately, it doesn't matter. You could get a great row, a great column, or all your squares could suck. Here is the link again for anyone who has lost it. I'll be printing it out and keeping it next to me during the game. I'll use it to either wipe my tears or clean up my ejaculate, depending on how the first half goes. Okay, enough stalling, let's get to the goods: The Creators of the Names Are... I think it is time for us all to see who we truly are! Commish - The Goblet of the Gods, The Guru Goblet I admit, having two goblet-themed names was a bit like putting all my bad trophy eggs in one goblet, but I couldn’t think of anything. So I went with what I knew, the Fantasy Gods and alliteration. Nailed it. Shotti - Snapface, Pinkstripes With the two Patriot themed names, I was wondering if anyone would draw the conclusion that they were from the same manager. As Snapface advanced round after round I wanted to scream out “LOOK WHAT YOU ARE ALL DOING! YOU’RE GOING TO LET SHOTTI WIN AGAIN!” And really, how awful would you all have felt if Shotti’s Trophy name won the tournament? Can the guy just not be stopped? He is the Patriot’s of this league, whether we like it or not. Nate - The Holy Grail, The Brian Westbrook The Brian Westbrook might have led some to believe that this was a Papa pick, simply because it honors a player on Papa’s championship team. But Nate is a student of the game, which was the clue that this belonged to him. Meanwhile, Nate was rightfully shocked when the Rapist beat the Grail in the second round. Once again, Nate gets fucked. Patrick - IT, The Roger Goodell Memorial Trophy I thought these were two solid names, but IT ended up being too plain and Roger ended up being to divisive. Burns - The Best of the Best Trophy, The Rainbow Sprinkle Cup Gun to all of your heads, who would have guessed Burns was the owner of these two completely different and totally random names? Well, one should come to expect that Burns is never acting alone. Best of the Best was a product of his ten-year old son, and Rainbow Sprinkle Cup came from the head of his nine-year old daughter. So a couple of you actually have the honor of getting your trophy names smashed by a nine-year old. And this name looked like it could have won the whole tournament! All us smart asses couldn’t come up with a better name than an elementary school student?? On the other side of things, you all should be ashamed of yourselves voting 8-1 against Best of the Best. Crush a young boy’s dreams, why don’t you? At least Burns stayed loyal to his kid. Papa - The Helmet to Helmet, The Big Sack Cup Does anyone remember Big Sacks? They were the 2011 team that suffered utter collapse at the end of the year. That, coupled with Papa’s massive win streak got the Posse into the playoffs on the season’s last day and ultimately led to them winning the trophy (soon to be named). I don’t think Papa remembers this at all, but it was still a nice touch to submit that name. I expected more from Helmet to Helmet but it was met with the rainbow juggernaut, much to the dismay of the Posse. Chantel - The Full-On Rapist, The F.A.T.E. Trophy (AKA The artist formerly known as The F.A.T.E.) I think The F.A.T.E. Trophy was a really creative idea that meshed well with the ideals of the league. Though I was happy to see it meet it’s fate when Chan texted me telling me to “get my facts straight” after I fucked up the name. You come at Commish you best not miss. And in hindsight I really shouldn’t have allowed the Full-On R to compete. It had zero chance of winning and was a cringe worthy choice. Still, Chan’s two names received the most combined votes in the tourney. I’ll throw a couple points here way for that. Literally two points. Chris - The Brophy, The Elite Trophy of Excellence I feel bad for Chris’s run in this tournament. He submitted The Guru Goblet to me but since I had already come up with the idea I made him go with his backup, The Brophy. I guess I could have let him have Guru and come up with another idea, but I’m the fucking ruler of these lands and what I say goes. Still, I thought The Brophy was sort of funny in a male chauvinistic sort of way and Elite T of Exc was just outshined by the Eternal Cup. It’s like the Patriots on the years where they had to go to Denver to play in the postseason. If it wasn’t for that high-altitude, they’d have 10 Lombardis by now. Jared - The Champion’s Cup, The Eternal Cup of Glory To be transparent, I at first felt like The Eternal Cup of Glory sounded like someone was just running out of time and thought “let me mash some epic sounding words together, no one will notice.” Just one league leader’s opinion. But the name grew on me and over time I began to see what others saw, that this name has a nice ring to it and some true potential. So I apologize for thinking that. Hell, it beats the piss out of Guru Goblet. Champion’s Cup, on the other hand? I expected more from our resident supercomputer. Zach - The Salty Dolphin, The Memorial Trophy Bowl Cup I cannot be the only one who thought The Memorial Trophy Bowl Cup got hosed, right? I really loved that name and personally thought this was the strongest coupling of names in the tourney. Guess the Name Results So who was right and who was wrong? Well, a lot of you were very, very wrong. My dad was convinced that The F.A.T.E. was a product of Joe Burns, while he was also convinced that I had come up with “IT.” Meanwhile, I didn’t think anyone would assume Chantel to be the rightful owner of “The Full-On Rapist,” even though her team name is an obvious giveaway (Deez Sons of Bitchez is a direct Always Sunny reference). Pat was the only one who guessed that right. He also pegged Burns for Rainbow Sprinkle Cup. But Patrick thought Nate manufactured the Brophy and was also very certain Chris had come up with F.A.T.E. An unusual number of people also put Chris down for the “Full-On Rapist,” a trend I’m not sure how to interpret. Two people thought Chantel created the Rainbow Sprinkle Cup, a predictable assumption. Another two guessed it was Patrick. Correct Guesses (5 points each) * Nate - 4 * Chris - 3 * Chantel - 3 * Patrick - 3 * Papa - 3 * Shotti - 2 * Zach - 2 (turns out guessing IAMGROOT for 7 of the answers doesn’t assure you a victory) * Jared - 1 (maybe try putting IAMGROOT for 7 of the answers next time) * Matt - 1 (because I already knew who everyone was, the only one I was eligible to guess was my own (I’M TAKING THOSE POINTS)) Burns opted not to participate in the bonus section, and we respect his decision. I guess not everyone has that competitive spirit. Favorite Name Sometimes seeding can be cruel. Chris said his favorite name was the Big Sack Cup. Papa said his favorite was The Brophy. Alas, despite loving each other’s names, the two faced off in the Sweet Sixteen. As for the rest: * The Eternal Cup of Glory * The F.A.T.E. * The Salty Dolphin * The Holy Grail * Memorial Trophy Bowl Cup * Rainbow Sprinkle Cup Of course I had to interpret/follow up on some of those: Each of the owners of those names will get ten bonus points. Least Favorite Name The F.A.T.E. was quite a divisive name. Two people said FATE was their least favorite name, though in their defense one of those voters also named it as their favorite name. Brain pretzeling like you read about. But that’s not all. In fact, two other names that appear on the “best” list also appear here on the “worst” list. * The Salty Dolphin (pretty salty answer from Nate here) * Snapface * Snapface * Snapface * Rainbow Sprinkle Cup * Rainbow Sprinkle Cup * Memorial Trophy Bowl Cup Those names will get negative ten points for each entry (sorry, Snapface!) The Bracket (w/manager names) In the opening round we had some good ones, like dad v. dad with Burns vs. Papa and a Championship rematch between Jared and Shotti, the league’s fiercest rivalry. In the sweet sixteen I enjoyed seeing Chan go up against Nate (a matchup I’m sure they were both aware of, let’s just be real with ourselves). Papa squared off with Chris in a consolation round rematch, and Patrick was finally able to get a victory over commish. In the Elite Eight, Jared beat another former champion in Papa. Burns and Shotti had a championship game rematch, with Shotti once again proving triumphant. That was a big upset since Rainbow Sprinkle looked unbeatable to that point. Since 56% of voters said either Sprinkle or Snapface was their least favorite name, this was the most hated matchup of the tournament. In the final four, three of the remaining four names were submitted by former champions. I guess the cream does rise, or however the saying goes. Shotti continues his streak of making the semi-finals in every season and every league competition he has participated in. But this was the end of the road for him, as well as Chan and F.A.T.E., with Jared and Zach continuing to the big game to meet in the ‘ship for the second time (2014). More Bonus Points In case you have not realized this by now, I have ultimate power in allotting points how I see fit. If you have a problem with that, let me know. I'll be sure to take away fifty points from you and divvy them up among the rest of us. Anyway, I am awarding Zach 10 points for having the most hilarious answers to the “your name” question on all the polls. His five part story will have your heart racing. Some of you ass holes made it so tough for me to figure out who you were. I should deduct points but I don't want to discourage fun and creativity. If I learned anything from my verbally-abusive 11th grade math teacher it's that. Not Salty Enough There was a theory that Nate would pull for The Salty Dolphin because he would love having a trophy essentially named after him. And he did in fact vote for the Salty Dolphin in the final four. But when Eternal Cup of Glory ended up facing F.A.T.E. in the final Four, the Nate vote went out the window. In my last writeup I mentioned that one owner told me they cared more about the Eternal Cup of Glory than their own names. Well, that was Nate. And if ECG got beat by F.A.T.E., well I’d find it hard to believe that Nate would vote against his girlfriend’s name. So Nate’s vote was never going for the Salty in the ‘Ship, ego or not. With that being said... ...The 2017 Trophy Naming Tournament Winner Is… The Dolphin isn’t the only animal in this league that’s about to be salty. The Salty Dolphin took a 3-1 lead, splitting the next two votes to lead 4-2 with three votes left. But I knew the next three votes were going to be hard to get. One belonged to Jared, who owned The Eternal Cup of Glory. He went as predicted to make it 4-3. Next up was Burns. Now we all know Burns pretty well from his two years in the league. He’s just….he’s so fucking nice. And despite voting Salty Dolphin in the final four he flippered to Eternal Cup of Glory, a less offensive and more general trophy name. At 4-4, the final vote was the biggest wild card of the tournament. Chantel had just been bounced by Eternal Cup of Glory. She was bitter, angry, murderous even. I slept with one eye open for days after that vote was released. She is highly competitive, making her one of the best characters in this league. A vote for The Salty Dolphin would be just another way for her to get one up on Nate, to dig his fantasy grave a little deeper. And it would be a vote against the team that bounced her a round before. That being said, she is also Nate’s partner in crime. People forget. As much as they fight during matchup weeks, you better believe they sit at home on nights during the season and plot against us all. So when it came down to her vote (which, by the way, she did not know the decision was tied when she voted), I had absolutely no idea which way she would go. Maybe it would depend on how much Nate had pissed her off that day. Or if she had given herself enough time to get over the loss in the Final Four. Her vote came in and...well… The winner of the first naming tournament is… ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The Eternal Cup of Glory! Congratulations Jared. You will be given another forty points for the victory. Jare finally gets one up on Zach after Flags on the Play beat ma ma momma said in the 2014 championship game. From now on, every team in the League of Champions will be fighting for the Eternal Cup of Glory. We did it! We named something! It doesn’t sound as cool when you read it back like that. But it is! It's wicked cool. Now that we have a trophy name, maybe this can influence our submissions for the name of the championship game. Or maybe not. The Super Bowl has very little to do with the Lombardi Trophy. On the other hand, the Stanley Cup Finals pretty much spells out that the teams are playing for the Stanley Cup. For some reason “The Glory Bowl” has a familiar ring to it… Off-Season Standings # Jared – 120 # Zach - 80 # Chantel – 57 # Papa – 35 # Pat – 30 # Nate - 30 # Chris – 25 # Commish – 5 # Shotti – 0 # Burns – 0 Boy, life comes at you fast. The 2016 championship teams (Glory Bowl teams? Let it roll around in your mouth a minute) didn’t manage any points this entire time. Shotti got torched in the “least favorite” poll, costing him the 30 he had accumulated over the last few weeks. Burns passed up the chance to guess on even his own trophy name in the bonus round. Fortunes can change drastically in the coming weeks, as we have our Squares Competition followed by March Madness. Enjoy the game everybody! I'm sure no matter what happens we will all be able to calmly discuss the results in the league thread on Monday....